melancholy
Die Hoffnung schon erfüllt die Brust...
Title: Lady
Pairing(s)/Characters: Andromeda Tonks, Narcissa Malfoy (and cameos of Bellatrix and Draco for explanation's sake); mentioned but still pretty major Lucius/Narcissa
Summary: People say that time heals all wounds, but is it true?
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 5.015
Warnings: Angsty moments, generally a sad fic, (mentioned but major) character death, mentioned (canon) minor character deaths, for trigger(s) see spoilers
Spoilers (Highlight to read): Major character death by suicide
Author's Note: Slightly inspired by Regina Spektor's "Lady"
Draco Malfoy was a tall, rather skinny boy with pale skin and light blonde hair just like his mother. But all in all he looked more like his father, looked exactly like Lucius. It was amazing how much he resembled him, how much he resembled him in every way, even in his movements, his choice of words…
“Come in,” he said, briefly looking at his opposite, his eyes narrowed. She knew about his thoughts, of course she knew, knew what he seemed to be eager to speak out but held back, for his mother’s sake. For just a second she closed her eyes, once again asking herself why she’d come here, why she’d not just decided to go on, to go on and not look back… But then took a deep breath as she followed him by entering the dark, eerie property with her heart beating in her chest like it had never beaten before.
The message of her sister’s passing had reached Andromeda unexpectedly, had hit her without a warning. Over and over again she’d read the letter, until the letters had blurred before her eyes.
I hereby inform you about the death of my mother Narcissa Malfoy. She passed away on Wednesday, November 18th 1999, the funeral was held a day later with myself as the only attendant. She now is buried in the Malfoy family tomb on my family’s residence property. I am also asking you to meet me in Malfoy Manor as soon as possible in order to to discuss some last formalities.
Sincerely,
Draco Malfoy
How formal his tone of voice had been… Like he’d written to a stranger, not his aunt, not his mother’s sister… But weren’t they strangers? Weren’t they nothing but strangers, never having met each other, never having been in contact before? Andromeda did not know, did not know anything. Narcissa… Dead… Her sister, dead! Slowly she sank down to her chair, covering her face with her hands, shaking.
She’d not even had the chance to say goodbye! Had not even had the chance to say goodbye to her sister, her sweet little…
How many years had passed without contact, how long had they lived their lives pretending not to care, pretending to be happy. Had they hoped to forget about each other? She did not know. Did not know anything. How strange had they become to one another over all these years, how many things had happened to…
No. No! She’d not think about all these things any longer, not now, not that she’d lost everything. Her daughter, her husband whom she’d loved more than her own life… And now? Now she’d also lost her sisters. But hadn’t she lost her, hadn’t she lost her entire family already in the minute she’d run away? Hadn’t she lost them years ago? How long had she hoped to reconcile with her sisters, with Bellatrix, with Narcissa… But now? Now they both were gone, would never come back and she’d not even had the chance to say goodbye…
He wanted to see her… Her nephew wanted to see her… But why? Why would he even talk to her, why would he even… No. No, she’d not go there, wouldn’t meet him, not after…
No. Of course she’d go. Of course she’d see him, wouldn’t run away again like she’d run away so many times before. She’d meet him, would finally meet her sister’s son after so many years and maybe… Maybe, even though he was raised like they’d all been raised, they’d finally be able to forget.
“My mother left something for you in her desk,” Draco said as they were walking through Malfoy Manor’s endless, barely illuminated corridors. He’d hardly spoken since Andromeda’s arrival, hadn’t even looked at her for longer than just a few seconds.
“So you are the woman my mother once called sister,” his eyes seemed to scream. “The blood traitor, having put shame on her family.”
More than once Andromeda had opened her mouth to speak, wanting to talk to him, wanting to ask him so many questions, but she’d always remained quiet. Dead… Her sister… Dead! Had she even realised what she’d been told in the letter? She did not know. Did not know anything. The past months had been like a dream to her, a dream, a nightmare she was unable to wake up, unable to escape from. All of a sudden she’d found herself living a life she didn’t recognise, a life seeming to belong to someone else.
Like she’d gone into a trance she followed her nephew, would hardly notice how he finally stopped, opening the door to a large bedroom. Andromeda gasped for breath, quickly biting her lip. The scent of death was in the air, still present as if…
“My parents’ bedroom,” the boy muttered, the expression in his eyes having changed all of a sudden, having lost its coldness. For just a second Andromeda closed her eyes, tempted to touch his shoulder, to comfort him but she held back. Of course she held back.
“How…” she whispered barely audible, unable to finish her sentence.
“A potion,” he replied. “She wasn’t the same after my father fell in the war. Her heart was broken, irreparably broken. So one day she decided to…”
He broke off, taking a deep breath. Soon again he’d regained his control, turning away from Andromeda.
“She left something for you in her desk,” he repeated, ready to leave the room. “In the drawer. I am sure that you will find your way out once you are done.”
Quickly Andromeda reached out her hand, wanted to hold him back, wanted to ask him more questions about Narcissa, about himself… But she was too late.
Suicide. So it’d been suicide… Her sister had killed herself, had… Andromeda wanted to scream, wanted to scream as loud as she could, shook her head, over and over again, unable to believe what she’d heard…
“No…” she whispered, covering her face with her hands. “No no no no no!”
This couldn’t be true, Narcissa couldn’t just have… Of course she could. Of course she could have killed herself, of course it could be true… But why? Why! There were so many questions, so many questions she’d never find an answer to…
Why had she come here, why hadn’t she just ignored her nephew’s request to see him? Why hadn’t she just… Was it a trap? Was all this a trap?
My mother left something for you in her desk.
Why hadn’t he just sent her a parcel? Why hadn’t he just sent her an owl, why had he asked her to come here, why hadn’t he just… So many questions, so many answers she’d probably never find…
Dead. Her sister… Dead… Her sister, her once best friend, gone! Gone… How much had she loved her, how close had they once been, sheer inseparable. But then… Then, everything had changed and now Andromeda would never be able to look into her sister’s eyes again, would never hear her voice again. Never.
Absent-mindedly, not even noticing her own movements, she took a few steps forward until she reached the desk, reaching out her hand for the drawer, hesitant at first, but then determined.
She’d almost have started to laugh, a sharp, desperate laugh. Parchment… The drawer contained nothing but parchment! Of course… Of course it couldn’t have been true. Had he just called her to hurt her? To break her heart even more, as a punishment for her betrayal?
Quickly she turned around, wanted to leave, wanted nothing more than to just leave the room her sister had died in, wanted nothing more than to just leave this horrible house and never look back, to just forget she’d ever come here.
But still, she held back, held back not even knowing why, would have another look at the parchment… Andromeda gasped for breath, closing her eyes for a moment just to make sure her imagination had not been trying to fool her. No… No, those weren’t only old pieces of parchment! Those were letters… Letters addressed to her.
Again she reached out her hand, trembling so much that she’d almost dropped the small pack down to the floor. She’d written her… Narcissa had written her, had written her so many letters, so many…
Slowly Andromeda sank down to the floor, determined to throw the letters away, determined to rip the parchment into a thousand pieces, never reading the words written on it, never wanting to spend a single thought on all this again as long as she lived. Wouldn’t the letters only contain insults? Insults, reproaches for what she’d done, for everything she’d been punished for so many years ago? They’d never forgiven her, never. But had she even forgiven herself? She did not know. Did not know anything.
Still, those letters were the last memory of Narcissa she’d ever have, the last remaining proof that they’d once been sisters… She had to open them, had to read them! And wasn’t she also curious? Again Andromeda closed her eyes, taking a deep breath… Then, quickly, as if it had caught fire and would now burn her hands, she opened the envelope, unfolding the parchment, carefully, almost lovingly.
Again she’d hesitate, shook her head, unable to believe what she held in her hands, that her sister had written her… Seconds, minutes seemed to pass until she finally looked down on the letter in her hands. Only three words were written on the parchment, in black ink that slowly had started to fade away during the past years.
How dare you.
1971. September.
Tears were streaming down her face as she put down her quill, rising from her desk. She knew it was foolish of her to still cry, to still shed tears over Andromeda’s betrayal, but she was angry, so incredibly angry! So incredibly hurt… Why’d she left her, why’d she left them! She’d run away, had turned away from them as if they’d not even be worth looking at, had betrayed them…
Of course she missed her. Of course she missed her, more than she’d ever dare to admit, wanted nothing more than to just follow her, to see her, one last time, to hear her voice again... Hadn’t they been more than sisters? Hadn’t they also been best friends, always there for each other, always listening? Had it all been an illusion, nothing but an illusion?
How selfish she’d been… How selfish, how… Had she ever thought about them, making the decision to marry a Muggle-born? Had Andromeda ever thought about her family, about how much shame she’d put on them, about how much she’d hurt them? No… No, of course she hadn’t. Of course she’d only thought about herself…
“Cissy…” a cold, quiet voice suddenly said behind her, she couldn’t suppress a wince as she felt a hand on her shoulder. “She’s been gone for three months now; you finally need to forget about her. She’s not worth your tears.”
“I wish I could…” Narcissa whispered, quickly brushing over her face as she turned around, looking into her eldest sister’s dark brown eyes. How much she resembled Andromeda… How alike they looked, almost like twins… “But she’s our sister!”
“Sister!” Bellatrix cried out, again causing her to wince. “She’s a traitor! Nothing but a traitor! Didn’t she leave us, without saying goodbye? Didn’t she just run off to marry a Mudblood, not spending a single thought on us? Look at you, Narcissa; you’re not yourself anymore! She broke your heart and you still call her your sister? Once and for all, forget about her. She’s not a Black; she’s not a member of our family and never was. She’s worthless.”
Andromeda bit her lip, shaking her head as the parchment fell down to the floor. Of course she knew why her sister had written to her, of course she knew what she’d meant… Had she ever thought about her sisters when making the decision to leave? When running away, not looking back, when… No. No, she hadn’t, had only thought about herself… How selfish she’d been! How much she’d missed them…
“I never wanted to leave you,” she whispered barely audible, talking to Narcissa as if she were here, here with her, looking at her, her ice blue eyes so full of sadness, so full of reproach… “I only left our parents! Not you, how could I ever leave you, knowing I’d never see you again? But… Understand… Cissy, please… You have to understand! I loved him… I loved him so much… What would you have done? Tell me, what would you have done?”
Quickly she opened another letter, scared of the words it’d contain… But she’d read, would read every single sentence, even if they hurt, even if they hurt more than anything else, knowing she’d never forgive herself if she didn’t.
Andromeda,
How many times have I written you already, how many times have I just thrown the parchment away, too afraid of the consequences. Will I ever finish this letter? Will your hands ever touch the paper that had been lying on my desk for too long, will you ever read these lines, not having torn the parchment apart in the moment you saw my name? I don’t know. There are so many things I do not know, so many things I am eager to find an answer for but unable to ask anyone. So many years have passed; so much time has gone by without us noticing.
Will we ever see each other again? Will we ever stand eye to eye again, will we recognise each other? What has time done to us… I wish I could undo what has been done; I wish I could look into your eyes again without feeling shame burning in my heart. Didn’t we once call ourselves sisters? Didn’t we once call ourselves best friends; didn’t we trust each other? I know we cannot turn back time, I know we cannot forget about the past, but can’t we just make a new beginning? The wars have changed our lives, have changed everything, so can’t we just change as well? Can’t we just… I wish I knew what to do, I wish I knew what to think.
Perhaps it’s impossible. Perhaps we are destined to live our lives separately, pretending we never knew each other, perhaps too much has happened between us to be able to just close our eyes and start anew. Maybe we finally need to accept that we’re not girls anymore...
Pairing(s)/Characters: Andromeda Tonks, Narcissa Malfoy (and cameos of Bellatrix and Draco for explanation's sake); mentioned but still pretty major Lucius/Narcissa
Summary: People say that time heals all wounds, but is it true?
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 5.015
Warnings: Angsty moments, generally a sad fic, (mentioned but major) character death, mentioned (canon) minor character deaths, for trigger(s) see spoilers
Spoilers (Highlight to read): Major character death by suicide
Author's Note: Slightly inspired by Regina Spektor's "Lady"
Lady
Draco Malfoy was a tall, rather skinny boy with pale skin and light blonde hair just like his mother. But all in all he looked more like his father, looked exactly like Lucius. It was amazing how much he resembled him, how much he resembled him in every way, even in his movements, his choice of words…
“Come in,” he said, briefly looking at his opposite, his eyes narrowed. She knew about his thoughts, of course she knew, knew what he seemed to be eager to speak out but held back, for his mother’s sake. For just a second she closed her eyes, once again asking herself why she’d come here, why she’d not just decided to go on, to go on and not look back… But then took a deep breath as she followed him by entering the dark, eerie property with her heart beating in her chest like it had never beaten before.
*
The message of her sister’s passing had reached Andromeda unexpectedly, had hit her without a warning. Over and over again she’d read the letter, until the letters had blurred before her eyes.
I hereby inform you about the death of my mother Narcissa Malfoy. She passed away on Wednesday, November 18th 1999, the funeral was held a day later with myself as the only attendant. She now is buried in the Malfoy family tomb on my family’s residence property. I am also asking you to meet me in Malfoy Manor as soon as possible in order to to discuss some last formalities.
Sincerely,
Draco Malfoy
How formal his tone of voice had been… Like he’d written to a stranger, not his aunt, not his mother’s sister… But weren’t they strangers? Weren’t they nothing but strangers, never having met each other, never having been in contact before? Andromeda did not know, did not know anything. Narcissa… Dead… Her sister, dead! Slowly she sank down to her chair, covering her face with her hands, shaking.
She’d not even had the chance to say goodbye! Had not even had the chance to say goodbye to her sister, her sweet little…
How many years had passed without contact, how long had they lived their lives pretending not to care, pretending to be happy. Had they hoped to forget about each other? She did not know. Did not know anything. How strange had they become to one another over all these years, how many things had happened to…
No. No! She’d not think about all these things any longer, not now, not that she’d lost everything. Her daughter, her husband whom she’d loved more than her own life… And now? Now she’d also lost her sisters. But hadn’t she lost her, hadn’t she lost her entire family already in the minute she’d run away? Hadn’t she lost them years ago? How long had she hoped to reconcile with her sisters, with Bellatrix, with Narcissa… But now? Now they both were gone, would never come back and she’d not even had the chance to say goodbye…
He wanted to see her… Her nephew wanted to see her… But why? Why would he even talk to her, why would he even… No. No, she’d not go there, wouldn’t meet him, not after…
No. Of course she’d go. Of course she’d see him, wouldn’t run away again like she’d run away so many times before. She’d meet him, would finally meet her sister’s son after so many years and maybe… Maybe, even though he was raised like they’d all been raised, they’d finally be able to forget.
*
“My mother left something for you in her desk,” Draco said as they were walking through Malfoy Manor’s endless, barely illuminated corridors. He’d hardly spoken since Andromeda’s arrival, hadn’t even looked at her for longer than just a few seconds.
“So you are the woman my mother once called sister,” his eyes seemed to scream. “The blood traitor, having put shame on her family.”
More than once Andromeda had opened her mouth to speak, wanting to talk to him, wanting to ask him so many questions, but she’d always remained quiet. Dead… Her sister… Dead! Had she even realised what she’d been told in the letter? She did not know. Did not know anything. The past months had been like a dream to her, a dream, a nightmare she was unable to wake up, unable to escape from. All of a sudden she’d found herself living a life she didn’t recognise, a life seeming to belong to someone else.
Like she’d gone into a trance she followed her nephew, would hardly notice how he finally stopped, opening the door to a large bedroom. Andromeda gasped for breath, quickly biting her lip. The scent of death was in the air, still present as if…
“My parents’ bedroom,” the boy muttered, the expression in his eyes having changed all of a sudden, having lost its coldness. For just a second Andromeda closed her eyes, tempted to touch his shoulder, to comfort him but she held back. Of course she held back.
“How…” she whispered barely audible, unable to finish her sentence.
“A potion,” he replied. “She wasn’t the same after my father fell in the war. Her heart was broken, irreparably broken. So one day she decided to…”
He broke off, taking a deep breath. Soon again he’d regained his control, turning away from Andromeda.
“She left something for you in her desk,” he repeated, ready to leave the room. “In the drawer. I am sure that you will find your way out once you are done.”
Quickly Andromeda reached out her hand, wanted to hold him back, wanted to ask him more questions about Narcissa, about himself… But she was too late.
Suicide. So it’d been suicide… Her sister had killed herself, had… Andromeda wanted to scream, wanted to scream as loud as she could, shook her head, over and over again, unable to believe what she’d heard…
“No…” she whispered, covering her face with her hands. “No no no no no!”
This couldn’t be true, Narcissa couldn’t just have… Of course she could. Of course she could have killed herself, of course it could be true… But why? Why! There were so many questions, so many questions she’d never find an answer to…
Why had she come here, why hadn’t she just ignored her nephew’s request to see him? Why hadn’t she just… Was it a trap? Was all this a trap?
My mother left something for you in her desk.
Why hadn’t he just sent her a parcel? Why hadn’t he just sent her an owl, why had he asked her to come here, why hadn’t he just… So many questions, so many answers she’d probably never find…
Dead. Her sister… Dead… Her sister, her once best friend, gone! Gone… How much had she loved her, how close had they once been, sheer inseparable. But then… Then, everything had changed and now Andromeda would never be able to look into her sister’s eyes again, would never hear her voice again. Never.
Absent-mindedly, not even noticing her own movements, she took a few steps forward until she reached the desk, reaching out her hand for the drawer, hesitant at first, but then determined.
She’d almost have started to laugh, a sharp, desperate laugh. Parchment… The drawer contained nothing but parchment! Of course… Of course it couldn’t have been true. Had he just called her to hurt her? To break her heart even more, as a punishment for her betrayal?
Quickly she turned around, wanted to leave, wanted nothing more than to just leave the room her sister had died in, wanted nothing more than to just leave this horrible house and never look back, to just forget she’d ever come here.
But still, she held back, held back not even knowing why, would have another look at the parchment… Andromeda gasped for breath, closing her eyes for a moment just to make sure her imagination had not been trying to fool her. No… No, those weren’t only old pieces of parchment! Those were letters… Letters addressed to her.
Again she reached out her hand, trembling so much that she’d almost dropped the small pack down to the floor. She’d written her… Narcissa had written her, had written her so many letters, so many…
Slowly Andromeda sank down to the floor, determined to throw the letters away, determined to rip the parchment into a thousand pieces, never reading the words written on it, never wanting to spend a single thought on all this again as long as she lived. Wouldn’t the letters only contain insults? Insults, reproaches for what she’d done, for everything she’d been punished for so many years ago? They’d never forgiven her, never. But had she even forgiven herself? She did not know. Did not know anything.
Still, those letters were the last memory of Narcissa she’d ever have, the last remaining proof that they’d once been sisters… She had to open them, had to read them! And wasn’t she also curious? Again Andromeda closed her eyes, taking a deep breath… Then, quickly, as if it had caught fire and would now burn her hands, she opened the envelope, unfolding the parchment, carefully, almost lovingly.
Again she’d hesitate, shook her head, unable to believe what she held in her hands, that her sister had written her… Seconds, minutes seemed to pass until she finally looked down on the letter in her hands. Only three words were written on the parchment, in black ink that slowly had started to fade away during the past years.
How dare you.
*
1971. September.
Tears were streaming down her face as she put down her quill, rising from her desk. She knew it was foolish of her to still cry, to still shed tears over Andromeda’s betrayal, but she was angry, so incredibly angry! So incredibly hurt… Why’d she left her, why’d she left them! She’d run away, had turned away from them as if they’d not even be worth looking at, had betrayed them…
Of course she missed her. Of course she missed her, more than she’d ever dare to admit, wanted nothing more than to just follow her, to see her, one last time, to hear her voice again... Hadn’t they been more than sisters? Hadn’t they also been best friends, always there for each other, always listening? Had it all been an illusion, nothing but an illusion?
How selfish she’d been… How selfish, how… Had she ever thought about them, making the decision to marry a Muggle-born? Had Andromeda ever thought about her family, about how much shame she’d put on them, about how much she’d hurt them? No… No, of course she hadn’t. Of course she’d only thought about herself…
“Cissy…” a cold, quiet voice suddenly said behind her, she couldn’t suppress a wince as she felt a hand on her shoulder. “She’s been gone for three months now; you finally need to forget about her. She’s not worth your tears.”
“I wish I could…” Narcissa whispered, quickly brushing over her face as she turned around, looking into her eldest sister’s dark brown eyes. How much she resembled Andromeda… How alike they looked, almost like twins… “But she’s our sister!”
“Sister!” Bellatrix cried out, again causing her to wince. “She’s a traitor! Nothing but a traitor! Didn’t she leave us, without saying goodbye? Didn’t she just run off to marry a Mudblood, not spending a single thought on us? Look at you, Narcissa; you’re not yourself anymore! She broke your heart and you still call her your sister? Once and for all, forget about her. She’s not a Black; she’s not a member of our family and never was. She’s worthless.”
*
Andromeda bit her lip, shaking her head as the parchment fell down to the floor. Of course she knew why her sister had written to her, of course she knew what she’d meant… Had she ever thought about her sisters when making the decision to leave? When running away, not looking back, when… No. No, she hadn’t, had only thought about herself… How selfish she’d been! How much she’d missed them…
“I never wanted to leave you,” she whispered barely audible, talking to Narcissa as if she were here, here with her, looking at her, her ice blue eyes so full of sadness, so full of reproach… “I only left our parents! Not you, how could I ever leave you, knowing I’d never see you again? But… Understand… Cissy, please… You have to understand! I loved him… I loved him so much… What would you have done? Tell me, what would you have done?”
Quickly she opened another letter, scared of the words it’d contain… But she’d read, would read every single sentence, even if they hurt, even if they hurt more than anything else, knowing she’d never forgive herself if she didn’t.
Andromeda,
How many times have I written you already, how many times have I just thrown the parchment away, too afraid of the consequences. Will I ever finish this letter? Will your hands ever touch the paper that had been lying on my desk for too long, will you ever read these lines, not having torn the parchment apart in the moment you saw my name? I don’t know. There are so many things I do not know, so many things I am eager to find an answer for but unable to ask anyone. So many years have passed; so much time has gone by without us noticing.
Will we ever see each other again? Will we ever stand eye to eye again, will we recognise each other? What has time done to us… I wish I could undo what has been done; I wish I could look into your eyes again without feeling shame burning in my heart. Didn’t we once call ourselves sisters? Didn’t we once call ourselves best friends; didn’t we trust each other? I know we cannot turn back time, I know we cannot forget about the past, but can’t we just make a new beginning? The wars have changed our lives, have changed everything, so can’t we just change as well? Can’t we just… I wish I knew what to do, I wish I knew what to think.
Perhaps it’s impossible. Perhaps we are destined to live our lives separately, pretending we never knew each other, perhaps too much has happened between us to be able to just close our eyes and start anew. Maybe we finally need to accept that we’re not girls anymore...
